Q: What goes up and down but does not move?
A: Stairs
A: You look a bit flushed.
Q: Where should a 500 pound alien go?
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| Source; https://www.flickr.com/photos/kugelfisch/8036078271 |
A: On a diet
A: Because it was framed.
Q: What did one toilet say to the other?
Q: Why did the picture go to jail?
Q: What does a nosey pepper do?
A: Gets jalapeno business!
Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An Impasta
Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator
Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!
Q: "What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?"
A: "You can't tuna fish."
Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
A: The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
Q: What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?
A: A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
Q: Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?
A: Because she will Let it go.
Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.
Q: What do lawyers wear to court?
A: Lawsuits!
Q: What gets wetter the more it dries?
A: A towel.
Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse?
A: Kitty Perry
Q: What did the pencile say to the other pencil?
A: your looking sharp.
Q: What did Bacon say to Tomato?
A: Lettuce get together!
Q: What is the most hardworking part of the eye?
A: the pupil
Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogey in it!
Q: What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?
A: Guardians of the Galaxy.
Q: What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant?
A: Swimming trunks.
Q: Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A: At the BP station!
Q: What do you call a baby monkey?
A: A Chimp off the old block.
Q: Who earns a living driving their customers away?
A: A taxi driver.
Q: "How do you shoot a killer bee?"
A: "With a bee bee gun."
Q: How do you drown a Hipster?
A: In the mainstream.
Q: How do you make holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it!
Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
A: It barked with de-light!
Q: What stays in the corner and travels all over the world?
A: A stamp.
Q: Why did the computer go to the doctor?
A: Because it had a virus!
Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them
Q. What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?
A. Milk and quackers!
Q: What did the leopard say after eating his owner?
A: Man, that hit the "spot."
Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldozer!
Q: What is the tallest building in the world?
A: The library! It has the most stories!
Q: What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A: A waist of time
Q: Why did the banana go to the Doctor?
A: Because it was not peeling well
Q: Why is England the wettest country?
A: Because the queen has reigned there for years!
Q: Why do fish live in salt water?
A: Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A: He wanted cold hard cash!
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.
Q: What is the best day to go to the beach?
A: Sunday, of course!
Q: What bow can't be tied?
A: A rainbow!
Q: What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
A: Spring time.
Q: Where did the computer go to dance?
A: To a disc-o.
Q: What has one head, one foot and four legs?
A: A Bed
Q: What is the difference between a school teacher and a train?
A: The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
Q: Why did the birdie go to the hospital?
A: To get a tweetment.
Q: What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?
A: A Clausterphobic
Q: What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?
A: Ouch
Q: Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend?
A: Because his friend said dinner is on me.
Q: Did you hear the joke about the roof?
A: Never mind, it's over your head!
Q: What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs?
A: A penny.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
A: Because he had no-body to go with.
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
Q: What three candies can you find in every school?
A: Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
Q: Why are pirates called pirates?
A: Cause they arrrrr.
Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
A: Cell phones.
Q: Where do snowmen keep their money?
A: In snow banks.
Q: What washes up on very small beaches?
A: Microwaves!
Q: What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move?
A: The road!
Q: Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?
A: The scientists were brainstorming!
Q: Why did Tony go out with a prune?
A: Because he couldn't find a date!
Q: What did the little mountain say to the big mountain?
A: Hi Cliff!
Q: What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent?
A: Show me the honey!
Q: What do you call a funny mountain?
A: hill-arious
Q: What did the candle say to the other candle?
A: I'm going out tonight.
Q: Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
A: Because he was sitting on the deck!
Q: What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
A: (SUPPLIES!)
Q: Why did the traffic light turn red?
A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
Q: What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
A: I think I'm coming down with something!
Q: What do you say when you lose a wii game?
A: I want a wii-match!
Q: What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers?
A: the Telephone.
Q: How do you make an Octupus laugh?
A: With ten-tickles
Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it would be a foot!
Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck!
Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it?
A: Post Office!
Q: What did the blanket say to the bed?
A: Don't worry, I've got you covered!
Q: Why should you take a pencil to bed?
A: To draw the curtains!
Q: How many books can you put in an empty backpack?
A: One! After that its not empty!
Q: Did you hear they're changing the flooring in daycare centers?
A: They're calling it infant-tile!
Q: What kind of button won't unbutton?
A: A bellybutton!
Q: What did the triangle say to the circle?
A: Your pointless!
Q: Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A: Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
Q: What dog keeps the best time?
A: A watch dog.
Q: What did the man say to the wall?
A: One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya!
Q: Why did the tomato turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing!
Q: What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A: It let out a little wine!
Q: What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A: Odor in the court.
Q: What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
A: Dam!
Q: Why don't skeletons fight each other?
A: They don't have the guts.
Q: What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
A: SUPPLIES!
Q: Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon?
A: Because he was a paleontologist.
Q: Why was the student's report card wet?
A: It was below C level!
Q: How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
A: Tentacles.
Q: What did the traffic light say to the car?
A: Don't look, I'm changing.
Q: What do you call cheese that is not yours?
A: Nacho Cheese
Q: How do you find a Princess?
A: You follow the foot Prince.
Q: What streets do ghosts haunt?
A: Dead ends!
Q: What did the penny say to the other penny?
A: We make perfect cents.
Q: Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
A: To get to the second hand shop.
Q: Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep?
A: So he could have sweet dreams.
Q: Why did the robber take a bath?
A: Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
Q: What happens if life gives you melons?
A: Your dyslexic
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
Q: Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
A: He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
Q: What do you get when you cross a fridge with a radio?
A: Cool Music.
Q: What goes up when the rain comes down?
A: An umbrella.
Q: Why did the belt go to jail?
A: Because it held up a pair of pants!
Q: What happens if life gives you melons?
A: Your dyslexic
Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A: Stick with me and we will go places!
Q: What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark?
A: Flood lights!
Q: Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school?
A: Because they're all in High School!
Q: Which is the longest word in the dictionary?
A: "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
Q: Which month do soldiers hate most?
A: The month of March!
Q: What did the painter say to the wall?
A: One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
Q: Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case they get a hole in one!
Q: Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk?
A: Because he wanted to work over-time!
Q: Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window?
A: Because he wanted to see time fly!
Q: When do you stop at green and go at red?
A: When you're eating a watermelon!
Q: How did the farmer mend his pants?
A: With cabbage patches!
Q: Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory?
A: He couldn't concentrate!
Q: How do you repair a broken tomato?
A: Tomato Paste!
Q: Why did the baby strawberry cry?
A: Because his parents were in a jam!
Q: What was the Cat in the Hat looking for in the toilet?
A: For thing one and thing two.
Q: What did the hamburger name his daughter?
A: Patty!
Q: What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay?
A: A deviled egg!
Q: What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving?
A: A turkey!
Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: He felt crummy!
Q: Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
A: She couldn't control her pupils!
Q: What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A: A private tutor.
Q: What do you call a bear with no socks on?
A: Bare-foot.
Q: What can you serve but never eat?
A: A volleyball.
Q: What kind of shoes do all spies wear?
A: Sneakers.
Q: Why did the soccer player bring string to the game?
A: So he could tie the score.
Q: Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin?
A: They both depend on the batter.
Q: What did the alien say to the garden?
A: Take me to your weeder.
Q: Why do watermelons have fancy weddings?
A: Because they cantaloupe.
Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?
A: I better not tell you, it might spread.
Q: How do baseball players stay cool?
A: They sit next to their fans.
Q: Why was the math book sad?
A: Because it had too many problems.
Q: What runs but doesn't get anywhere?
A: A refrigerator.
Q: What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer?
A: The Space bar!
Q: What exam do young witches have to pass?
A: A spell-ing test!
Q: What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs?
A: A cloud!
Q: Why did the boy eat his homework?
A: Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
Q: Why is Basketball such a messy sport?
A: Because you dribble on the floor!
Q: How do you communicate with a fish?
A: Drop him a line!
Q: Where do sheep go to get haircuts?
A: To the Baa Baa shop!
Q: What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter?
A: Jellyfish!
Q: What do cats eat for breakfast?
A: Mice Crispies!
Q: Why can't a leopard hide?
A: Because he's always spotted!
Q: What do you give a dog with a fever?
A: Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog!
Q: What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon?
A: A sour puss!
Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter?
A: Its easier than walking!
Q: What kind of key opens a banana?
A: A monkey!
Q: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
A: Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
Q: Why does a hummingbird hum?
A: It doesn't know the words!
Q: What do you call a house that likes food?
A: a Condoment!
Q: Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
A: Because they dropped out of school!
Q: What do you call a pile of kittens
A: a meowntain
Q: What goes up and down but doesn't move?
A: The temperature!
Q: What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine?
A: it wooden go!
Q: Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks?
A: Neither, they both weigh a ton!
Q: What has one horn and gives milk
A: A milk truck.
Q. Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls?
A. It was a Barbie-Q.
Q: Where do bulls get their messages?
A: On a bull-etin board.
Q: What do bulls do when they go shopping?
A: They CHARGE!
Q: What runs but can't walk?
A: The faucet!
Q: Whens the best time to go to the dentist?
A: Tooth-hurty
Q: What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in?
A: A water bed!
Q: What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup?
A: Firecrackers!
Q: Why did the barber win the race?
A: Because he took a short cut.
Q: What's taken before you get it?
A: Your picture.
Q: What concert costs 45 cents?
A: 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.
Q: What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?
A: A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
Q: What can go up a chimney down, but can't go down a chimney up?
A: An umbrella.
Q: Why was the broom late?
A: It over swept!
Q: Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie?
A: because it was rated arrrrr
What did the Super Nintendo say to the Sega Genesis?
"You know, everyone always tells me that I'm a bit better than you."
Q: What's the difference between Ms. and Mrs.?
A: Mr.
Q: What word looks the same backwards and upside down?
A: Swims
Q: Where does a tree store their stuff?
A: In there Trunk!
Q: What did the nose say to the finger?
A: Stop picking on me.
Q: What did the tie say to the hat?
A: You go on ahead and I'll hang around!
Q: What did one plate say to the other?
A: Dinners on me
Q: Who cleans the bottom of the ocean?
A: A Mer-Maid
Q: Where do pencils go on vacation?
A: Pennsylvania
Q: What is heavy forward but not backward?
A: Ton.
Q: What do you get when you plant kisses?
A: Tu-lips (two-lips)
Q: What pet makes the loudest noise?
A: A trum-pet!
Q: What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
A: Bugs Bunny!
Q: Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school?
A: She had a make-up exam!
Q: What is a bubbles least favorite drink?
A: Soda POP
Q: What did one eyeball say to the other eyeball?
A: Between you and me something smells.
Q: What stays on the ground but never gets dirty?
A: Shadow.
Q: Name a city where no one goes?
A: Electricity
Q: What four letters will frighten a burglar?
A: O I C U
Q: What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A: A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
Q: Why can you never trust atoms?
A: They make up everything!
Q: Where does bad light go?
A: To prism!
Q: I can run but not walk, have a mouth but can’t talk, and a bed, but I do not sleep. What am I?
A: A River.
Sources; jokes4us.com & ducksters.com
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